Choose Your Poison:

Already I can tell just how cool this is going to be. I guess those to guys are the "Dough Boy."
The name simply screams "EXCITEMENT!" The Japanese text under the title probably says, "Ha! You foolish Americans actually paid money for this game!"
Isn't Hudson Soft great? Intense empty cave excitement.
Once again, Hudson soft proves how awesome they can be. Did you notice yet that about half of these games are made by Hudson? Actually, this game is about 3 guys who want to die at the same time.
Suddenly, you realize that Capcom is gonna pull another spin-off on you. Christian Slater with a sort of pixelized look.

Already I can tell just how cool this is going to be.

    Immediately, one realizes how great this game must be. We can only assume that either the name was a horrible translation, or that "booby" refers to the intelligence level of the children playing the game.

Instantly I realize that this game will provide me with many seconds of fun.

     As you can see, it's like Pac-Man, but not as good. You run around, trying to get the nuts. I'm the little blue kid with the bicycle helmet on his head, by the way. I'm not sure what the game developers were shooting for with this one, but they created a gem. It's got everything:

1) A megaman-esque main character who's fatal flaw is his inherent gayness.

2) Blue dinosaurs that lull you into a false sense of security, then strike without warning.

3) Cavemen, a symbolic representation of the evil within our own souls.

It would be cooler if they told you how to make your own black holes.

These little holes in the space-time fabric will warp you around the single screen world. Again, a symbol, this time for the fickleness of humanity.  

ARGH! It's an ambush! I've come out right next to the dinosaur!!!!!AAAHHHH!!!!

I went into one, and popped out another. Unluckily, I was being pursued by the evil hammer-wielding caveman and his genetic clones, as well as their legion of blue dinosaurs. Society is closing in as disillusionment washes over my little Megaman rip-off, and he falls from grace, into the not so loving arms of a blue dinosaur.


I would have fought valiantly, but you can't fight in this game, so I was killed. Immediately that white piece of toilet paper picked me up, and a halo appeared over my head. I was flown off-screen, and that was the end of the game.

This would have been a great game, had it been produced in the early 60's, so it would have no system to run on. Yet, it wasn't. In fact, it came out around 1987. 

My symbolism theories probably aren't true. I'm just desperately trying to make sense of this game.

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I guess those to guys are the "Dough Boy."

This is a game that I have extremely limited coverage on, mainly because I couldn't stand to play it more than 30 seconds or so. I expected a romping Pillsbury adventure, but I got a little less that that.

Strangely enough, this game is kind of amusing.

Basically in this game you have to run across the obviously dangerous battlefield in under 5 minutes. This is tough if you're blind, but only a little. Explosives and blue wrenches are fun to pick up, but have no practical application. I beat the first level of this, then quit. 

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The name simply screams "EXCITEMENT!"

This is probably the best of the games on this area of the site, because it's actually fun and pretty addicting, despite the pointlessness of it all.

Go Go Gadget Forehead Magnet!

You'd think a cop wouldn't have to stealthily infiltrate a civilian hotel building. But the intro would be far less cool if he walked through the front revolving doors. That's assuming that the building has a front entrance, which it likely doesn't. Look at it. It's the most structurally unsound thing since the Swiss Family Robinson built a house out of leaves. At least the Robinsons were out in the jungle somewhere. If this hotel collapsed it would take a few blocks of urban metropolis with it, too.

Feeling lucky, punk?

Suddenly, from a posh hotel room, a mafia member jumps out and raises a pistol at me. Carrot Top's hard core enough to slide down a rope into a building, but he can't open an elevator door without being shot at. Of course, he's got a red laser to back him up.

This guy's broken down tons of stereotypical spy barriers. He's red-headed, clumsy, and has no sneakiness whatsoever. And since he's fighting rejected Soprano's extras, this game's even better.

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The Japanese text under the title probably says, "Ha! You foolish Americans actually paid money for this game!"

 For those of you familiar with the Final Fantasy series, I'm sorry, but you can no longer call Final Fantasy "FF" , because Fuzzical Fighter is much better and also has those initials.  I've gotten some very impressive coverage on this game, because I took screenshots of the scenes that run if you let the title screen sit for a minute. I'm assuming the screens show storyline, but since my Japanese isn't too great, I can't back that up.

I want a little black stick dog too.

Perhaps now is a good time to point out that we haven't altered any of these screenshots in any way. This rom was apparently left partially untranslated, because the only English word I can see is "FUNNY." Kinda like the plot, I'm sure.

Let's examine this scene. You've got a king with a sea-foam crown. This'd be funny enough, but Sigma's taken an additional step in public humiliation and added a grey monster-looking guy to the picture, just for humor's sake.

No frog man! Don't go that way! The arrows say go the other way!

I'm not sure where the strange looking frog man comes into the story, or why he's in a Tiny-Toons like world with pencils floating around in the background. I also don't know why it's hurtling into another planet (Upper right.) What perplexes me most though is the reason the word "FUNNY" appears yet again.

The blue mime is now going to hop into his miniature clown-type spaceship and drive around. After that, he's gonna squirt everyone with a flower on his shirt.

When I first saw this screen, I thought that the game had messed up, since the word "FUNNY" was nowhere to be found. Then I realized it was implied, since now we see that the hero of the story is a mime with a blue leather suit on.

"200? 200 gold is all you have? My body's far more expensive than THAT.""Now where did my mutant frog go?"

A-ha! So now we meet two other people. The King, who now has a gold crown, and an evil scientist. How do I know he's evil? He's bald, wears glasses, is standing in a thoughtful pose, and is in an Nintendo game. How could he not be an evil scientist? 




Bill Nye:

Part time "Science Guy," full time terrorist.

And thus, I've gotten my first clue as to the true nature of this game.

The evil grey being that visited the King in his chambers likely stole his crown, only to replace it with a far less valuable gold crown.

At the same time on another planet, completely unrelated, an evil scientist lost his pet frog in Blaster Master-like action. 


The blue mime, in a fit of rage, has gone to seek vengeance on the grey embodiment of evil. I promise, I honestly do realize that I'm making some pretty far-reaching assumptions. But I do believe that this is the closest I will ever get to the truth of the matter.

Uh oh! Someone's also stolen the other half of the fountain!

What a city. Since this game's in Japanese, it took me forever to find a way out of this room. As it turns out, you talk to some of the people, then you get in your mime-mobile and go shoot things. 

In short, it becomes typical again, and the mutant frog vanishes from within the realms of our hearts.

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Isn't Hudson Soft great?

This game is Jacky Chan. Instantly I knew I would like it, and I do. Before I played the actual game though, I watched the intro video, which I don't think tells a single thing about the game.

"I gotta go to the bathroom....."

Jacky's walking with his girlfriend, looking really tough. It's no big surprise that Jacky's completely bad in his own game. Nor is it a surprise that a cute girl is following him around. It's even less of a surprise that they borrowed graphics from Kirby's Adventure for the background.

"Ah, that's better."

Suddenly...Jacky senses danger. Or maybe happiness, since he's smiling. I don't really care, because I'm too busy thinking about how Jacky Chan is a far better kung-fu sell out game than Shaq Fu, Shaquille O'Neil's flawed attempt at making himself into something useful.

If you're going to sell out, do it right. Don't screw up on a rap CD that includes slammin' tracks about Looney Toons, release a few bomb movies, then switch to the Genesis as a medium for venting your own suckiness. It's just digging yourself a deeper grave. I estimate Shaq's grave to be approximately 47.3 feet deep.


"No! It's my arch rival!"

I don't know what exactly it was that Jacky was expecting to pop up in front of him, but an evil demon god should've been pretty obvious. After being electrocuted, the demon and his girlfriend disappear. And so Jacky goes home and eats a burrito while watching Mission Impossible reruns.

Ok, that part was made up. It's Nintendo. Thus, he goes to rescue the girl.

"Master, I promise I will come back and complete my training."

Jacky bows to his faceless master, then prepares for his quest. Jacky's master, as far as I have gone anyways, has no name. But he had to be included in the game, because all ninjas need an old, bearded man to teach them the ways of the dragon. 

Wow, Jacky is almost as big as the mountains.

This is the map screen. Above Jacky is Mario World, and to his right is a flying saucer. A typical American view of Japan. Oh, geez, he's from China, isn't he? I get the two mixed up...

Now Jacky's quest begins...

If Austin Powers can survive the onslaught of the evil salmon, so can Jacky Chan.

The evil minions of his enemy are everywhere, and Jacky must fight to the death to protect the girl he loves. Jacky's not throwing that fish, though surely he could wield a herring as a deadly weapon, but rather he's grappling with it in vicious combat to the death...

Jacky stays cool his entire adventure, whilst battling the forces of nature.

Jack easily defeats the fish, but a killer frog comes to avenge the death of his fish friend. In the water, a snake turns and flees the other direction. He clearly fears the wrath of Chan.


Aha! Suddenly, a pair of nunchucks begin to fly through the air, and Jacky ducks just in time. The nunchucks give up the assault and fly away.

Wait a second...what?

That's no ordinary bird! It's a death-bird!

Jacky is in high spirits when he suddenly sees more foes..this time, a bird. I've got my theories as to why all of nature seems pitted against Jacky. My foremost idea is this:

Jacky Chan does his own stunts, and constantly breaks himself in half. In order to keep up with the massive amount of splints he requires, an entire deforestation team is constantly at work, destroying the natural habitats of these animals. 

Where do they turn to when they have no homes? Senseless killing. 

The crazed bird watcher just happens to be carrying a rather large sword.

Even Jacky Chan has labor union problems. 

"Hm, I wonder how these spikes got in the middle of the forest..I know! It's an illusion created by my arch rival enemy!"

Only in Nintendo worlds do spikes randomly litter the landscape, and floating rock platforms hover of them to help you cross. 

"AAAHHH! I think I was wrong. No more sitting down for me."

Jacky slips and is injured badly. He makes it over the spikes, however, and is sure that now, finally, his mission is over..

Although you can't see it, Jacky is whistling.

But mother nature disagrees, and wants revenge for the poor forest creatures Jacky has beaten up. In retaliation, a tiger springs forth, tearing Jacky apart as he sits there and smiles. Jacky, you always were too soft.

"Now I'm a slave to the evil guys and I have to carry these giant bags of "game over" around."

Game Over. And now that's a game over screen. I died on purpose about 10 times just to see the big bag fall on Jacky.

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Intense empty cave excitement.

Spelunker 2! MY FAVORITE! Nah, just kidding. If this is two though there must be a one..and if it's anywhere near as fun as this, well, I guess I won't be playing it.

Did anyone else noticed that Broderbund has the rights to this game? Comparing Myst to this is making me sick.

Die swine!

Now, the fact that I'm not actually spelunking doesn't bother me, because I get to fight wild boars, the most dangerous enemy I saw the entire time I was playing, except Satan. That's right, the Dark Prince himself is a prominent character in the game. You'll be seeing him soon.

WWHHOOOSSSHHHH!! Uh oh, I guess I lost a life.

I can't honestly remember what I was doing in this picture, I'm pretty sure I got bit by the snake, which sent me rocketing skywards.  I could've gone down those stairs, but underground isn't the kind of place a spelunker wants to go.

You might also notice I changed colors in the light!

Finally I saw a whole in the ground, and I figured it must lead to a cave, and then perhaps the actual game would start. At the time I didn't take into consideration the fact that there were locusts coming from the pit.


You guessed it. I'm now spelunking in the deepest, darkest, flaming pits of hell. And the devil is Japanese. Talk about defaming one of your own. Who's stupid enough to go spelunking so close to Hades? Common sense should tell you that if you continue to go deeper and deeper into the fiery labyrinths of the underworld,  you'd eventually come across Lucifer. 

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Once again, Hudson soft proves how awesome they can be. Did you notice yet that about half of these games are made by Hudson?

You'd think this game would be lame.

You'd be right.

I could make fun of the game's storyline, but I'll just let the screenshots do it for themselves:


Yeah, it's called the Snapple farm. 

Minister Pumpkin and his evil schemes..I must foil his devious plot!

An evil pumpkin? Hasn't that been done in just about every cheap Halloween movie created? When my friends and I made home horror movies with an old camera, random junk from the attic, and lots of smoke bombs left over from the 4th of July, we always made sure to include a pumpkin somewhere. If you want to be cutting-edge, your villain needs to be a piece of asparagus or something. Something seemingly harmless....Still, honestly, I never suspected Minister Pumpkin.


The newest terrorist threat is calling themselves the "Farmies?" What is the world coming to? I'd say the Salad Kingdom's got it pretty well, unless the Farmies spend their time hijacking bottles of dressing and harassing croutons. 

This is getting too sad to stand.

(Sob.) I'm glad a man as great as King Broccoli didn't lose touch with his emotions.

Great, I can marry a tomato.

I'm assuming he promised this before he died. But anyways, I've got half done already since I have to bring both the kingdom and the princess back, and no one even took the kingdom.

Now I go to save the vegetable kingdom!

That one red flower is all that stands in my way!

I clicked praise. Praise Sir Cucumber.

Whew! Almost done!

Great, we know we won't be hungry.

I would help the Baby Persimmon, but I'm afraid that the mommy Persimmon might be around, and she may get angry. 

So instead of helping, I spend time examining the "Percy" button. If anyone can tell me how "Percy" is an action verb, please e-mail me and explain, because I argued with my English teacher about it and she just kicked me out of class. 


I tried to use both the fight and the hit buttons, but neither would work.

I found later I had to bring water to the little baby, but I decided not to, because frankly, I didn't like the baby Persimmon. For all I care, it can shrivel up and rot.

Actually, this game is about 3 guys who want to die at the same time.

Now, this game might actually be really good, but I personally am going to pick it apart anyways, just because I can. The storyline is the best ever: Enjoy.

These guys must've met under the cover of night.

These 3 men approach each other, and begin to talk.

"Hey guys, I got an idea! How about we all die together!"

"Ok Jim, sounds like fun."

"Great then, let's start."

Awesome. I've never played a game when the only goal is to commit mass suicide, except this one.

"Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi.."

Regardless of the puzzling storyline, I began the game, talking to this person, who reminds me of Princess Leia. Anyways, she tells me to go help stop the Yellow Scarves. Well, she tries to. She doesn't have very good articulation. "The Yellow Scarves is terrorizing" is simply a reminder of the Japanese nature of this game.


Instead of listening to my instructions, I did some exploring of my own, which mainly consisted of talking to this horse, who is curiously smaller than me. 

"Don't worry boys, she's clean."

I also searched the horse, but luckily it was carrying no concealed weapons.

To battle!

I got into a battle soon after leaving the city, and it was fun, until I realized how slow it was going. Each hit took off an average of about 5 off of one of the Rebel Force guys. I did some quick math, and it would take around 116 hits to kill these guys. I'm not kidding either, do the math yourself.

I stopped playing after that, because I didn't want to spend so long on that battle.

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Suddenly, you realize that Capcom is gonna pull another spin-off on you.

Mighty Final Fight. Note that in the 10 other versions of this game, Capcom shortened it to "Final Fight," or "FF" for short. I assume this was to offer Fuzzical Fighter a little competition, but they failed miserably. Also, there's no alt. text on these next few pictures, just so you know.

First of all, how does this girl give the people the power to survive? Everyone in the city knows how beautiful she is, and they don't expect a few evil villains to hit on her? Come on, this is Capcom. 

A couple days later? Anyways..

Cody is the guy in the back with the blonde hair, by the way.

So now you get to go fight the Mad Gear Gang to get her back.

I played as both Cody and Haggar, and Dan played as Guy, who is in no way related to the story. Also, I might point out that we now know that Jessie Ventura was inspired to run for Governor after seeing that Haggar could be mayor.

Now, I had a million screenshots of action, but for now I'll leave most of them off, because this page is going to take an hour to load. Capcom is really desperate for enemies, however, since rather than fighting guy with guns and knives, you spend the vast majority of your time pummeling homeless people and street tramps.

I love the faces they make when they hit the ground. As you can see, a bum is trying to ambush me from the rear. You'd think that when some gigantic muscle guy gets a knife thrown through his head by a Leonardo DiCaprio looking guy, the bums would back off a little. But I guess you don't get to be homeless by being smart, eh?

I took him out and then fought this lady though. The characters on this game are so cool. They're all short and squatty. It reminds me of playing with those old "Monster in my Pocket" toys. Even the bosses rule:

I picked "yes," but still he wanted to fight.

Once again I picked "yes," but he said I was a mamma's boy and tried to beat me up. Since he's a Nintendo character, I pounded him. Then I quit playing.

Ever see the Street Fighter cartoon? On one episode a girl named Jessica gets kidnapped, and her boyfriend Cody goes to rescue her. Ryu and Ken have to dress up as punks and infiltrate the Mad Gear Gang. Seriously.

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Christian Slater with a sort of pixelized look.

When I decided to get this game, I had no idea what to expect. That's probably a really good thing, because if I had known just how dumb this would be I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten it. Then we wouldn't be able to bash it. 

This game is obviously based on story, since there literally is no gameplay, but even the plot is enough to put the player into one of the following situations:

1) They're asleep.

2) They're laughing so hard they die.

3) They've thrown their nintendo through the wall.

I'll show you what I mean.

Don't be scared, the only nightmare is the game itself.

This game is already my worst nightmare, so at first I couldn't see how it could get any worse. Then I heard the music.

I've heard of that happening.

So, the game begins as you wake up in the bathroom of a...less than posh Vegas hotel.

Who cares?

Well you're bound to fall off the toilet or something when you fall asleep in the bathroom..

Apparently you also forgot not to talk like a cyborg.

Ok, let's catch up on what's happened in case you missed the action.


On second thought, let's not go through that again.

Those three exclamation points mean it's REALLY important.

You have no memory whatsoever? But still you know you're in Vegas? 

After this, you get to pick from a list of actions as to what you want to do. I opted first to take that cool looking trench coat.

Yeah, but you can't remember how to use it, I'm sure.

Under the coat was my "handy" .38! I'm pretty sure I'm sort of mafia hitman who's been drugged and throw in a bathroom. Or perhaps a paranoid pimp.

Sweeet. Where does the fun start?

It's easy to tell how much work someone puts into a game when they accidentally forget to hit the shift key while making an exclamation point. Not only that, they didn't go back and fix it.  

Anyways though, now that I've got my gun, I'm ready to go take down some bad guys, wherever they are. Since plot didn't exist before around 1989, I figure there's gotta be bad guys to kill.

That's all the screenshots I took, but let me tell you what happened. Basically I walked around the hotel but never saw a living person. I got so frustrated I started shooting up the bar. This was the intense action scene when I shot at the glass windows in an effort to jump out and lose the game. I shot the window, and I got a cool message that said, "You blew away the window." Yeah, die punk. It didn't help though, because I still couldn't go through the window/ 

All I really wanted to do after playing this game for a few minutes was lose and check out the game over screen. I never found a way to.

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