"Skaters are simply posers of Freestyle Walkers. You wanna pull a good stunt? Who needs a board?"
- Todd Patterson, longtime Freestyle Walker, and special aid to this article.
Before we begin, I might point something out...this is not serious, by any means. Some people seem to think that we really do spend our weekends walking around, spinning, jumping, and making general fools of ourselves. This is certainly not true. In fact, we usually spend our weekends in those cramped mental institution cells, hurling ourselves against the walls in an effort to break through the wall and humorously escape the compound by dressing up as janitors and mopping our way out the front entrance. It sounds great on paper, but has thus far proved highly unsuccessful.
I might explain one thing. All the pictures on the site were snagged from the sites of other people. Therefore, this could go under at any time if they see this and decide they don't want their pictures used on our site. Of course, I guess they can't legally force us to take them off, but we're nice people.
As you can see, Freestyle Walking takes both incomparable skill and a sharp mind. When you Freestyle walk, you put on your special shoes and do as the name implies - Walk. Only, you walk as if you were skating. Some might accuse FSW of being nothing more than skating for kids who can't skate, but they've never seen a FSW master run off of a wall, throw himself (or herself, ladies) into a series of seemingly random (though carefully executed) spastic contortions, and land on his head by accident. I watched a middle school student do this once; he later explained to me, "The pain is worth the sound it makes when all the people that see it gasp and then start clapping. That's when I know I've accomplished something special."
We did some research on Freestyle Walking, and our data showed two steady trends:
1) People desperately trying to pull off tricks, landing at odd angles, and getting frustrated when searing pain shoots through their bodies as a result of their failure.
2) Soap shoes.
"Soap shoes?" you've undoubtedly asked. Soap is a company that makes Freestyle Walking Gear. Board meetings consist of running backwards through their offices while diving over their desks, and their boss is a sixth grader named "Joey." After rejecting the name "Joey's Business," Joey settled on "Soap Shoes." Nobody knows why he chose this name, but our best guess is that it's probably because he's in the sixth grade.
We went to Soap's website at www.soapshoes.com and checked it out. First of all, if you have RealPlayer or QuickTime, you can watch videos of people doing tricks without ending in pain, something rarely seen in real life. I assume they're pretty funny, but I haven't seen them, because QuickTime is on a vindictive campaign of hate, and when I tried to view them I was greeted by numerous errors and a maniacal laughing digitized voice - Assumedly from beyond the grave. Their online catalog, however, worked fine. Inside it, we came across a gem of FSW paraphernalia: "The Soap Ducky."
Soap duckies come only in yellow, but the word on the street is that a hip new line of green ones will soon be hitting markets in select cities. I almost bought one, but decided not to, instead deciding that my three dollars could better be spent on egg machine prizes. "Soap Ducky is the official mascot of Freestyle walking," Todd helpfully explained.
We realized early into writing this editorial masterpiece that we'd be nowhere if we didn't learn about the shoes themselves. You can buy them on the Soap website, for those of you aspiring to greatness. Price, you might ask? Look it up for yourself, and be amazed.
If this name seems familiar to you, it's because you learned about the Northwest Ordinance in history class. Under the Articles of Confederation, the Northwest Ordinance set up a system of selling land in the former colonial territories, and set guidelines for how states would be admitted into the union. This shoe has none of that legislative power. If I were going to give you some information on the shoe, I'd tell you it has "steel double reinforced toe grips for increased friction resistance," but I guess that wouldn't be true, either.
I'm reminded of the old NES game Crystalis, one of my first and all-time favorite games. There was a town in there named Goa, and it was the central HQ for all that is evil in the game. I'm sure it's no mistake that this shoe is named that. (Joey said it has "rubble soles and cool, trendy colors for both form and function," but I hit him in the stomach and took his lunch money anyways.
These actually don't look too different than normal shoes to me, but the Soapies'll try and convince you they're made out of a super-elastic polymesh that absorbs impact and allows you to jump 300% higher and will raise your IQ by 250. I remain skeptical: I wore them for an entire day once, and at the end of the day I crushed most of the bones in my arm while trying to jump hurtles, and then tried to drive home, hitting two oncoming vehicles and 3 pedestrians. I would have sued Joey and his Soap Shoe cohorts, had two of the pedestrians not been local judges.
Though I'm done giving you my encyclopedic commentary on Freestyle Walking and its implications in the sports world, our story is by no means done. Sabotage, Dragon Heart, and Hemp Man have yet to grace our page.
See, it was a few years ago that the Themeless Wonder emerged out of a long string of bored summer days, and every last bit of the content on the original site was written in a 2 hour time span. Part of that content was our very first look at Freestyle Walking, and we included profiles on a group of kids whose site we stumbled upon while gathering images. It began as a harmless bashing, and ended in an unforgettable saga of adventure and self-discovery.
Part 2 - Freestyle Walkers Don't Take It Sitting Down