THE NES GAME REVIEW

 

 This area of the site has been added to chronicle my experiences on a heroic quest for senseless games. We've gone on a search for the best, most under-rated games on the face of the earth, and we've found a few good ones. Thing is, there are countless more to be found. Make sure you look at the alternate text on the images too, because there's some pretty good info there also. Anyways, let's get started!

 

Oh, but first I'd like to add that someone pointed out to me that I was horribly mistaken about Guardian's Quest. And, I was. In fact, you should go download the rom right now because it's a really cool game, 'cept that the rom I have isn't translated. Oh well.

 


Already I can tell just how cool this is going to be.

    Immediately, one realizes how great this game must be. We can only assume that either the name was a horrible translation, or that "booby" refers to the intelligence level of the children playing the game.

Instantly I realize that this game will provide me with many seconds of fun.

     As you can see, it's like Pac-Man, but not as good. You run around, trying to get the nuts. I'm the little blue kid with the bicycle helmet on his head, by the way.

It would be cooler if they told you how to make your own black holes.

These little holes in the space-time fabric will warp you around the single screen world.

ARGH! It's an ambush! I've come out right next to the dinosaur!!!!!AAAHHHH!!!!

I went into one, and popped out another. Unluckily, I was being pursued by the evil hammer-wielding caveman and his genetic clones, as well as their legion of blue dinosaurs.

......darn.

I would have fought valiantly, but you can't fight in this game, so I was killed. Immediately that white piece of toilet paper picked me up, and a halo appeared over my head. I was flown off-screen, and that was the end of the game.

This would have been a great game, had it been produced in the early 60's, so it would have no system to run on. Yet, it wasn't. In fact, it came out around 1987. I'm assuming that's why I've never seen this game before I got the rom.


I guess those to guys are the "Dough Boy."

This is a game that I have extremely limited coverage on, mainly because I couldn't stand to play it more than 30 seconds or so. I expected a romping Pillsbury adventure, but I got a little less that that.

Strangely enough, this game is kind of amusing.

Basically in this game you have to run across the obviously dangerous battlefield in under 5 minutes. This is tough if you're blind, but only a little. If you pick up wrenches and blue explosives along the way, it helps too. I beat the first level of this, then quit. But still to this day I have no earthly idea why this game is called Dough Boy.


The name simply screams "EXCITEMENT!"

This is probably the best of the games on this area of the site, because it's actually fun and pretty addicting, despite the pointlessness of it all.

Go Go Gadget Forehead Magnet!

We can only assume that the carrot-top sliding down the rope by his head is a cop or something, because he's obviously here to take out some bad guys. However, I'd like to see the blueprint of this building, because, well, it's really really weird.

Feeling lucky, punk?

Suddenly, from a posh hotel room, a mafia member jumps out and raises a pistol at me. Of course, I'm too quick, and use my portable laser gun on him. Even before the red beam hits him, I've got 1,050 points. Or maybe that means something else. I dunno. I really don't care.

I heard that a sequel to this game was being made, I think for the Playstation. If so, I'm buying a few copies for myself and friends.


The Japanese text under the title probably says, "Ha! You foolish Americans actually paid money for this game!"

Now we're in for a real treat. For those of you familiar with the Final Fantasy series, I'm sorry, but you can no longer call Final Fantasy "FF" , because Fuzzical Fighter is much better and also has those initials.  I've gotten some very impressive coverage on this game, because I took screenshots of the scenes that run if you let the title screen sit for a minute. I'm assuming the screens show storyline.

I want a little black stick dog too.

Perhaps now is a good time to point out that we haven't altered any of these screenshots in any way. This rom was apparently left partially untranslated, because the only English word I can see is "FUNNY." Kinda like the plot, I'm sure.

Oh no! Can it be?! The infamous GREY KNIGHT?!

Once again the word "FUNNY" appears as a gray monster-looking thing enters the room of a guy that is probably the king, judging by his sea-foam colored crown. (Which, by the way, is funny.)

No frog man! Don't go that way! The arrows say go the other way!

I'm not sure where the strange looking frog man comes into the story, or why he's in a Tiny-Toons like world with pencils floating around in the background. I also don't know why it's hurtling into another planet (Upper right.) Either way, something about the situation is FUNNY.

The blue mime is now going to hop into his miniature clown-type spaceship and drive around. After that, he's gonna squirt everyone with a flower on his shirt!

When I first saw this screen, I thought that the game had messed up, since the word "FUNNY" was nowhere to be found. Then I realized it was implied, since now we see that the hero of the story is a mime with a blue leather suit on.

"Hurry super-mime, rescue my sea-foam crown so I can get rid of this gold one!""Now where did my mutant frog go?"

These are two separate screenshots of the blue mime talking to the king, (Who has lost his sea-foam crown, which was probably stolen by the grey-knight/monster/freak thing.) Also, the mime is talking to another guy, who looks like he's probably pretty smart. At this point I also noticed that the words "GOLD" and "STAGE," as well as the letters "HP" and "MP" were translated correctly.

Now I think I know what the game is about. The people are laughing in the first scene because they've discovered that the infamous Grey Fiend Thing has taken the sea-foam colored crown of the king. So the king sends out his finest warrior, The Mime, to retrieve it. The king is wearing a gold crown until he gets his original one back. For no reason some other guy loses his mutant pet frog. (I am forced to remind myself at this point that this is NOT Blaster Master or Master Blaster or whatever that other game is called that I have downstairs in my room.)

Uh oh! Someone's also stolen the other half of the fountain!

And so my adventure begins, and I go to retrieve the crown. I might also point out two things:

1#. I never found an exit from this room besides those stairs, which lead to another room that I can't find a way out of either.

2# If anyone can translate all that Japanese, feel free to tell me what is says.


 

Isn't Hudson Soft great?

This game is Jacky Chan. Instantly I knew I would like it, and I do. Before I played the actual game though, I watched the intro video, which I don't think tells a single thing about the game.

"I gotta go to the bathroom....."

Jacky's walking with his girlfriend, looking really tough.

"Ah, that's better."

He stops and smiles...

"No! It's my arch rival!"

Just as the evil demon god electrocutes him and probably takes his girlfriend, knowing these kind of games. Jacky gets up and goes to save her.

"Master, I promise I will come back and complete my training."

Jacky bows to his faceless master, then prepares for his quest.

Wow, Jacky is almost as big as the mountains.

This is the map screen. Above Jacky is Mario World, and to his right is a flying saucer.

Now Jacky's quest begins...

If Austin Powers can survive the onslaught of the evil salmon, so can Jacky Chan.

The evil minions of his enemy are everywhere, and Jacky must fight to the death to protect the girl he loves.

Jacky stays cool his entire adventure, whilst battling the forces of nature.

Jack easily defeats the salmon, but a killer frog comes to avenge the death of his fish friend. In the water, a snake turns and flees the other direction. He clearly fears the wrath of Chan.

JACKY! GET DOWN!

Aha! Suddenly, a pair of nunchucks begin to fly through the air, and Jacky ducks just in time. The nunchucks give up the assault and fly away.

That's no ordinary bird! It's a death-bird!

Jacky is in high spirits when he suddenly sees more foes..this time, a bird.

The crazed bird watcher just happens to be carrying a rather large sword.

Jacky defeats the bird, but then an angry bird watcher chases him down. Jacky runs for his life.

"Hm, I wonder how these spikes got in the middle of the forest..I know! It's an illusion created by my arch rival enemy!"

Jacky uses these handy floating rocks that are moving around to get over the spikes below..

"AAAHHH! I think I was wrong. No more sitting down for me."

But slips and is injured badly. He makes it over the spikes, however, and is sure that now, finally, his mission is over..

Although you can't see it, Jacky is whistling.

But mother nature disagrees, and wants revenge for the poor forest creatures Jacky has beaten up. In retaliation, a tiger springs forth, tearing Jacky apart as he sits there and smiles.

"Now I'm a slave to the evil guys and I have to carry these giant bags of "game over" around."

Game Over, and now that's a game over screen.