How feel you?

Ask Jedi Master Yoda

 (The Force is his ally.)

Last Updated: Sunday, November 12, 2000

Newest questions on the bottom....

      Sometimes, when life just gets too tough to handle, even a hot shot like you is made to ponder the world's secrets. It is at times like these that the low concentration of midichlorians in our bodies remind us that we seek Yoda. And we do, make no mistake. 

      Where the challenge comes in is reaching Yoda's home planet of Dagobah. Well, that's not entirely true. The only real problem with talking to Yoda is that he's dead. Yep, Jedi can die. But he can still appear to the multitudes of us ignorant masses and answer questions, in his ghost-like form.

        Us here have decided to make things easier on you by letting you E-mail master Yoda at his AOL E-mail address, and ask questions, which he will answer and post on the website. And if you were expecting something funny, I'm sorry to let you down.

  Greg writes:

-Yoda, I fear that life is but a hollow shell. Is there hope, or is it true?

Yoda: Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter! You must feel the force around you, Greg. Feel it you must, then know you will. Yes, much there is to this life, yes. Much to it.

Billy Joe Writes:

-Hmmmmm...... Does Betty Sue like me? I was thinking of asking her on a date but i am afraid she will kick me in the groin....please help..

Yoda: Hm.. You will know when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. Come to Dagobah, yes, Dagobah, help you I will. Teach you I can.

Nate writes:

- What is the meaning of forks?

Yoda: Very special the fork is. Not for eating, no, not for eating. You must unlearn what you have learned. I can tell you not the true purpose of the fork, you must discover yourself.. Go to the cave of silverware. Your weapons-you will not need them. 

Todd writes:

I heard that E Z Cheese was contaminated pig fat in a can. But it tastes so good! I put it on my sandwiches and other delicious things. Master Yoda, are they lying to me about the pig fat?

Yoda: How you get to be so big eating food of this kind? What the cheese contains matters not, only that it is EZ Cheese. So in truth, cheese it is not at all. Pig fat it may be, since cheese it is not.

"Dreamy Hunk" writes:

 Dear Yoda,

I have tried so hard to get me a hot sexy mamma but I just cant get nothin done. It just gets me so down. Every morning I get in front of the mirror and say," Man Im pretty!" or" Your on good lookin sack of man brother!". After that Im ready to meet the world. Ready to hit on some chick. I find one and say," "Hey babearilla, that a pretty eensie-weensie, teeny-weenie polka-dot thingy you got going there." or "Hey there, cutie pants. Am I as studly as the Statue of David, or what?" or "Hey there, Spanish seniorita. Sprechen se love?" . Whats their problem? Cant a brother try to get a pretty mamma? And they always hit me. Thats not the response I want. I want them to hit on me. Not hit me. I could really use the power of that force thingy you have Yoader or whatever.
 O good golly babe-dar just went off! Gotta Jet!

Yoda: Hmm, help you I can. When you see one, on the street, say to them, "How feel you? Lonely, baby?" Works it does

Jutsin writes:. 

yoda, i got a prblem
icnat slpel
iv'e rtied fuked on honics dna ti didtn' wrko fro me
cna yuo hlep me?!?
i hvea mroe parblams btu this on is hte msot majur une
fankthu 4 yre atenshun

Yoda: Hm? What is this? Answer this I cannot, read it I cannot. Is this in German?

Jimmy Bob writes:

hi, this is jimmy bob
i neede to ask yodar sumthin
what kinda laundray detergent do you use
that has nothing to do with my real question, but i just wanted to know
my real question is.....is turtal poachin kinda like poechin eggs
i like poached eggs
they taste gud
but now i can't poach, cause yall don't like it
i was wondering if you would allow me to poach eggs, as long as i don't
poach turtles
thanks yodar

Yoda: Hm...remind me you do, of that Jutsin guy, who also spells funny. However, poach your eggs you may not. Fry, yes, scramble, yes, but poaching doesn't taste good.  

Velocinirji writes:

Dear Yoda,
     I would like to know why Jutsin is unable to spell?...Is it a physical (or maybe its mental) difficulty?...Is he retarded?

     My next question is, how can I become a Jedi Knight?  When I grow up, I want to be just like Luke Skywalker, so please show me the path.

--Velocinirji (a hopeful Jedi Knight who would like to remain anonymous)

Yoda: First of all, about Jutsin..Think I do, that he is not retarded. I think he speaks another language, like German or something..Also, you can become a Jedi Knight if you receive training from Obi-Wan and myself. Oh wait, we're both dead. Sorry I am, out of luck you are.

Jutsin writes (This was sent to Chris, but I forwarded it to Yoda):

i hvae greta knews!
i can spele beter!!!
i lerned to sownd owt words!!
it is grate!!!
butt i hav a problem with won of your leters, that you sed i was ignorent!
i hav a serius dissorder!
pleze stop making fun of mee!
i am getting beter!
and tell yodar i sed high!

Yoda: Dear Justin, make fun of you I did not. Simply stated, I did, that you are extremely incompetent. Realize, I do, that this is no fault of your own. Now, send me no more letters, for the strain of reading them is making my head hurt.

Anonymous writes:

yoda, do you know what PMOCGEYMIFMIGSYHSUCPYFO means?

Yoda: ............no..............

Obi-Wan writes:

Silly you are my yoda friend. Obi wan this is. make money you are unable to? Answer silly questions about cheese and retard Germans you no longer need to. Join me on my quest to find the origin of the turtle egg and happy will you be. Long journey fall far ahead. Follow the floss and the "force" will clean where your toothbrush can't. Without your knowldge of green wrinkles the origin may be lost. Please if you know what is good for you follow the floss.

Yoda: Obi-Wan? Long time see not, friend. What is this "floss?" Follow it I will not.

 See? You can get results like these too. E-mail a question to Chris. Then I'll pass it on to Yoda. Honestly. He just wants his address to remain secret for now.