Ask Jedi Master Yoda

 (The Force is his ally.)

     Sometimes, when life just gets too tough to handle, even a hot shot like you is made to ponder the world's secrets. It is at times like these that the low concentration of midichlorians in our bodies remind us that we seek Yoda. And we do, make no mistake. 

      Where the challenge comes in is reaching Yoda's home planet of Dagobah. Well, that's not entirely true. The only real problem with talking to Yoda is that he's dead. Yep, Jedi can die. But he can still appear to the multitudes of us ignorant masses and answer questions, in his ghost-like form.

        Us here have decided to make things easier on you by letting you E-mail master Yoda at his AOL E-mail address, and ask questions, which we will answer and post on the website.

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Jaina Solo writes:

-Dear Master Yoda, is my boyfriend cheating on me? 

Yoda: Through the force, you can see images. But clouded his future is, always in motion the future is, see it clearly I cannot. By the way, did you just get a new job? An acting career?

Jaina: OH MY GOSH! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT? I just got the offer today and no one but me could know about it!

Actually, I made that one up. But the rest are real!

Greg writes:

-Yoda, I fear that life is but a hollow shell. Is there hope, or is it true?

Yoda: Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter! You must feel the force around you, Greg. Feel it you must, then know you will. Yes, much there is to this life, yes. Much to it.

Billy Joe Writes:

-Hmmmmm...... Does Betty Sue like me? I was thinking of asking her on a date but i am afraid she will kick me in the groin....please help..

Yoda: Hm.. You will know when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. Come to Dagobah, yes, Dagobah, help you I will. Teach you I can.

Nate writes:

- What is the meaning of forks?

Yoda: Very special the fork is. Not for eating, no, not for eating. You must unlearn what you have learned. I can tell you not the true purpose of the fork, you must discover yourself.. Go to the cave of silverware. Your weapons-you will not need them. 

Rob writes:

-Yoda, I am worried that when I go back to school, I may be forced to turn to the light side, and I don't want to. I like to enjoy my evil thoughts and emotions. I LOVE THE DARK SIDE!!!!! 

Yoda: Afraid are you? Hm? Yes? Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate, leads to suffering! But if you must be evil, help you I can. A Sith you must become! Ah, Timmy's apprentice you will become!

Whoa! Timmy's a Sith Lord?

No! Wait! No! Of course not!

Yoda: Hehehehe..

You idiots! Can't you see he's lying?! I'm not a Sith!

Timmy, you're fired.

No! That's it! (Cool sound effects)

BWAHAHAHA! 

AH! It's Darth Timmy!

Yes, and for now I will let you live, but I shall return one day, and you will be destroyed! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

August 30

After that unfortunate mishap I've decided to add a line brake. How that doesn't offend anyone.

It offends ME!

It also offends me.

 So basically what you're saying is that you want to fight?

Um...no. Nevermind. We're leaving.

Anyways, on to the questions:

Todd writes:

I heard that E Z Cheese was contaminated pig fat in a can. But it tastes so good! I put it on my sandwiches and other delicious things. Master Yoda, are they lying to me about the pig fat?

Yoda: How you get to be so big eating food of this kind? What the cheese contains matters not, only that it is EZ Cheese. So in truth, cheese it is not at all. Pig fat it may be, since cheese it is not.

"Dreamy Hunk" writes:

 Dear Yoda,

I have tried so hard to get me a hot sexy mamma but I just cant get nothin done. It just gets me so down. Every morning I get in front of the mirror and say," Man Im pretty!" or" Your on good lookin sack of man brother!". After that Im ready to meet the world. Ready to hit on some chick. I find one and say," "Hey babearilla, that a pretty eensie-weensie, teeny-weenie polka-dot thingy you got going there." or "Hey there, cutie pants. Am I as studly as the Statue of David, or what?" or "Hey there, Spanish seniorita. Sprechen se love?" . Whats their problem? Cant a brother try to get a pretty mamma? And they always hit me. Thats not the response I want. I want them to hit on me. Not hit me. I could really use the power of that force thingy you have Yoader or whatever.
 O good golly babe-dar just went off! Gotta Jet!

Yoda: Hmm, help you I can. When you see one, on the street, say to them, "How feel you? Lonely, baby?" Works it does. 

 See? You can get results like these too. E-mail a question to Chris. Then I'll pass it on to Yoda. Honestly. He just wants his address to remain secret for now.