THE THEMELESS WONDER CREATORS:
THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY
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In the realm of Alpha Perseii 9, the greatest warrior was Chris. Tales of his heroic exploits reached the ears of every being in the farthest-flung galaxies, and everyone know his name. "Chris" became a common word in every household; not because he was talked about often, but because nearly everything had his name on it, due to his extremely wide-ranged endorsement projects. Capes and muscle shirts became the new fashion. People drank "Chris Cola," and ate at "Chris: The Restaurant."
Countless commercials showed Chris battling street scum and radioactive graveyard monsters, all of which had clever sounding names like, "Mr. Bad Guy," or "Doctor Lava." In the commercials, Chris would beat up the baddies, then fly back to his secret hideout and have a hamburger, or drink a soda, or wash his cape using a special laundry detergent, depending on who the commercial was for.
As Chris's reputation grew, so did his strength. He competed in the Intergalactic Olympics, where he won the gold metal in Greco Roman Style Wrestling. His good friend Joe competed as well, and got the silver metal (they are pictured on the left, sharing their victory. For the sake of historical accuracy, we'd like to point out that they never actually held hands. This photo is actually a fake that was created by the media. In reality, Chris pummeled Joe, and took both the gold and silver medals home, where he sold them in a pawn shop in return for a new television. He bought Chris Cola with the leftover money.)
Due to his win in the Olympics, Chris was soon contacted by the famous "Council of the Giant Floating Head." The C.O.T.G.F.H was a non-profit organization that sponsored a tournament for the greatest fighters in the universe. For years, it had been running, and it was considered a bigger event than the Intergalactic Olympics. Every year, however, it had been won by Chris's long time rival, Dan.
Chris decided to compete in the tournament, and was flown via space shuttle to "The Planet of the Council of the Giant Floating Head" (T.P.O.T.C.O.T.G.F.H. for short.) He was taken to his quarters there, were he soon found out the hard way that someone had put clear plastic wrap over his toilet seat. He immediately suspected Dan and his cronies, and accused them of the hazing incident:
You did it, didn't you?!
Do what? What are you talking about?
Don't play dumb with me! You and your little hazing pranks!
What are you talking about? You'd better calm down, if you know what's good for you.
Huh? Threatening me now? I'll throw you and your little crew from here all the way to Earth, just like in my movie, Chris vs. Godzilla!
Oh yeah? Let's find out!
The battle was to take place that night, on top of a mile-high sky scraper. The only coverage we have is taken from an ESPN news crew, who filmed the match from nearby, and commented on its precedings. From here on out, we will show you pieces of their footage and comments:
"Bob, we should be in for some hard hitting tonight."
"Yes Dick, these guys really wanna pound each other. Oh, and there's the bell."
"Dan, the reigning champ, is already delivering quite a beating. He's got Chris in one of his signature moves, the "Stand on their back and push really hard."
"That's right Dick, that's S.O.T.B.A.P.R.H. for short."
"Oh, and there's Dan with a DEVESTATING flip attack."
"I'm not sure Chris can handle this much longer."
"Well, I don't know, you can't write the kid off yet. He's been known to come back from some great odds. Just look at him in that commercial for Chris Clothing Co."
"That's a good point, Bob. He took on 8 street thugs at once!"
"Oh my gosh, is he making a comeback?!"
"What an excellent aerial maneuver by Chris. I haven't seen that kind of action since we had that Freestyle Walking guy on the show, fighting with those angry turtle poachers."
"We'll have to wait and see. My, what a match-up!"
"Oh no! A low blow!"
"That could put Dan out of the match."
"Sweet mother, that must've HURT!"
"I think we've just seen the tables turn, Bob."
"Oh! Chris is really making use of Dan's crippling pain."
"That's right, Dan has stopped fighting, and is now just balled up in a prostrate position."
"Is he crying?"
"I think he is!"
"I don't blame him, Bob."
"Ouch, someone needs to stop this!"
"Dan is taking one gigantic beating now! And he still can't walk!"
"Pour guy, he's really gettin it."
"Oh, finally. There's the bell, the ref has stopped the match out of pity."
"Pity? Dan's been unconscious the last 3 minutes."
"Well, at least Chris is being a good sport and helping drag Dan out of the ring."
Soon after, the cameras and audio feed were cut. It is speculated that Chris hurled the unconscious Dan at the ESPN commentators.
CHRIS IS DECLARED THE WINNER