Carbonated Milk Leaves Consumers Shrugging 

     Thatís right, carbonated milk: Mac Farms, of Burlington, Vt., is developing a carbonated milk-based beverage in an attempt to create a healthier alternative to soda, which they sincerely believe will be embraced by the soda-drinking community. 

     Mary Ann Clark, vice president of marketing for Mac Farms, sums up their mission statement: ďEveryone knows milk is good for you. But itís not cool to drink milk. Weíre going to make it cool.Ē Sorry Mary, but adding carbon dioxide to things doesnít make it cool. Furthermore, anything extracted from the udder of any type of mammal isnít going to be able to compete with a beverage constructed from various random and potentially hazardous chemicals in a lab. Everyoneís familiar with milk, itís been around forever. Itís the drink of the Amish dairy farmer. How could it be dangerous? Carbonated sodas are far more extreme. Putting strange chemicals into your body is the ďcoolĒ thing these days - Thatís why cocaine is such a hot item. 

     E-Mooís flavors include Orange Creamsicle, Bubble Gum, and Chocolate Raspberry, all of which are fat-free, with low cholesterol and sodium. Orange Creamsicle? Thatís not milk. Thatís not even real. E-Moo isnít going to be used to quench the thirst of internet-age children, itís going to be shaken up by angry grocery shoppers and hurled at the offices of Mac Farms, covering the building in a milky film of carbonated foam. 

       There are some failed objectives that are just impossible to salvage; one of these is getting children to drink more milk. Listen, if Mr. T couldnít do it, Mac Farms doesnít stand a chance at it. This goes right up there on my list of great ideas, along with pet rocks, Temptation Island, and Canada.