Carbonated Milk Leaves Consumers Shrugging 

     That’s right, carbonated milk: Mac Farms, of Burlington, Vt., is developing a carbonated milk-based beverage in an attempt to create a healthier alternative to soda, which they sincerely believe will be embraced by the soda-drinking community. 

     Mary Ann Clark, vice president of marketing for Mac Farms, sums up their mission statement: “Everyone knows milk is good for you. But it’s not cool to drink milk. We’re going to make it cool.” Sorry Mary, but adding carbon dioxide to things doesn’t make it cool. Furthermore, anything extracted from the udder of any type of mammal isn’t going to be able to compete with a beverage constructed from various random and potentially hazardous chemicals in a lab. Everyone’s familiar with milk, it’s been around forever. It’s the drink of the Amish dairy farmer. How could it be dangerous? Carbonated sodas are far more extreme. Putting strange chemicals into your body is the “cool” thing these days - That’s why cocaine is such a hot item. 

     E-Moo’s flavors include Orange Creamsicle, Bubble Gum, and Chocolate Raspberry, all of which are fat-free, with low cholesterol and sodium. Orange Creamsicle? That’s not milk. That’s not even real. E-Moo isn’t going to be used to quench the thirst of internet-age children, it’s going to be shaken up by angry grocery shoppers and hurled at the offices of Mac Farms, covering the building in a milky film of carbonated foam.