You're on Page Two. Choose Your Poison.
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You'd think this game would be lame.
You'd be right.
I could make fun of the game's storyline, but I'll just let the screenshots do it for themselves:
Yeah, it's called the Snapple farm.
An evil pumpkin? Hasn't that been done in just about every cheap Halloween movie created? When my friends and I made home horror movies with an old camera, random junk from the attic, and lots of smoke bombs left over from the 4th of July, we always made sure to include a pumpkin somewhere. If you want to be cutting-edge, your villain needs to be a piece of asparagus or something. Something seemingly harmless. .Still, honestly, I never suspected Minister Pumpkin.
The newest terrorist threat is calling themselves the "Farmies?" What is the world coming to? I'd say the Salad Kingdom's got it pretty well, unless the Farmies spend their time hijacking bottles of dressing and harassing croutons.
(Sob.) I'm glad a man as great as King Broccoli didn't lose touch with his emotions.
I'm assuming he promised this before he died. But anyways, I've got half done already since I have to bring both the kingdom and the princess back, and no one even took the kingdom.
Whew! Almost done!
I would help the Baby Persimmon, but I'm afraid that the mommy Persimmon might be around, and she may get angry. So instead of helping, I spend time examining the "Percy" button. If anyone can tell me how "Percy" is an action verb, please e-mail me and explain, because I argued with my English teacher about it and she just kicked me out of class.
I tried to use both the fight and the hit buttons, but neither would work.
I found later I had to bring water to the little baby, but I decided not to, because frankly, I didn't like the baby Persimmon. For all I care, it can shrivel up and rot.
Now, this game might actually be really good, but I personally am going to pick it apart anyways, just because I can. The storyline is the best ever: Enjoy.
These 3 men approach each other, and begin to talk.
Awesome. I've never played a game when the only goal is to commit mass suicide, except this one.
Regardless of the puzzling storyline, I began the game, talking to this person, who reminds me of Princess Leia. She tells me to go help stop the Yellow Scarves. Well, she tries to. She doesn't have very good articulation. "The Yellow Scarves is terrorizing" is simply a reminder of the Japanese nature of this game.
Instead of listening to my instructions, I did some exploring of my own, which mainly consisted of talking to this horse, who is curiously smaller than me.
I also searched the horse multiple times, but to no avail. It held no concealed weapons.
I got into a battle soon after leaving the city, and it was fun, until I realized how slow it was going. Each hit took off an average of about 5 off of one of the Rebel Force guys. I did some quick math, and it would take around 116 hits to kill these guys. I'm not kidding either, do the math yourself.
I stopped playing after that, because I didn't want to spend so long on that battle.
Mighty Final Fight. Note that in the 10 other versions of this game, Capcom shortened it to "Final Fight," or "FF" for short. I assume this was to offer Fuzzical Fighter a little competition, but they failed miserably. Because I believe you should enjoy the intro in its original context, I've taken the screenshots just as they are. Three sentences are spaced out over about 6 screens.
If one girl "gives the people the power to survive," this city's got problems to begin with. It sounds like another evil madman has already come in and mutated the population into some sort of inter-dependant ant-like colony, in which nobody survives without the queen. And if she's so beautiful, they probably should have seen this situation coming. Evil always thinks it can force beautiful girls into marriage.
Cody is the guy in the back with the blonde hair, by the way.
So now you get to go fight the Mad Gear Gang to get her back.
I played as both Cody and Haggar, and Dan played as Guy, who is in no way related to the story.
Fun Fact: Jessie Ventura was inspired to run for Governor after seeing that Haggar could be mayor.
I had a million screenshots of action, but for now I'll leave most of them off, because this page is going to take an hour to load. Capcom is really desperate for enemies, however, since rather than fighting guy with guns and knives, you spend the vast majority of your time pummeling homeless people and street tramps.
I love the faces they make when they hit the ground. As you can see, a bum is trying to ambush me from the rear. You'd think that when some gigantic muscle guy gets a knife thrown through his head by Leonardo DiCaprio, the bums would back off a little. But I guess you don't get to be a purple-clad police-fighting homeless man by being smart, eh?
I took him out and then fought this lady. The characters on this game are so cool. They're all short and squatty. It reminds me of playing with those old "Monster in my Pocket" toys. Even the bosses are entertaining:
I picked "yes," but still he wanted to fight.
Once again I picked "yes," but he said I was a mamma's boy and tried to beat me up. Since he's a Nintendo character, I pounded him. Then I quit playing.
Ever see the Street Fighter cartoon? On one episode a girl named Jessica gets kidnapped, and her boyfriend Cody goes to rescue her. Ryu and Ken have to dress up as punks and infiltrate the Mad Gear Gang. The fact that I know that has brought me to the terrible realization that my life is an utter waste. The rest of this site should have sent off flags, now that I think about it.
When I decided to get this game, I had no idea what to expect. That's probably a really good thing, because if I had known just how terrible this would be I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten it. Then we wouldn't be able to bash it, though.
This game is obviously based on story, since there literally is no gameplay, but even the plot is enough to put the player into one of the following situations:
1) They're asleep.
2) They're laughing so hard they die.
3) They've thrown their nintendo through the wall.
I'll show you what I mean.
This game is already my worst nightmare, so at first I couldn't see how it could get any worse. Then I heard the music.
So, the game begins as you wake up in the bathroom of a...less than posh Vegas hotel.
You're bound to fall off the toilet or something when you fall asleep in the bathroom.
Ok, let's catch up on what's happened in case you missed the action.
....
On second thought, let's not go through that again.
Selective memory - You don't know anything, but you know you're in Vegas. That's right, no amount of alcohol or mental illness will ever erase those wild nights from your memory. Your empty wallet will only serve to awaken even more details.
After this, you get to pick from a list of actions as to what you want to do. I opted first to take that cool looking trench coat.
Under the coat was my "handy" .38! I'm pretty sure I'm sort of mafia hitman who's been drugged and throw in a bathroom. Or perhaps a paranoid pimp.
It's easy to tell how much work someone puts into a game when they accidentally forget to hit the shift key while making an exclamation point. Not only that, they didn't go back and fix it.
Anyways though, now that I've got my gun, I'm ready to go take down some bad guys, wherever they are. Since plot didn't exist before around 1989, I figure there's gotta be bad guys to kill.
That's all the screenshots I took, but let me tell you what happened. Basically I walked around the hotel but never saw a living person. I got so frustrated I started shooting up the bar. This was the intense action scene when I shot at the glass windows in an effort to jump out and lose the game. I shot the window, and I got a cool message that said, "You blew away the window." Yeah, die punk. It didn't help though, because I still couldn't go through the window.
All I really wanted to do after playing this game for a few minutes was lose and check out the game over screen. I never found a way to.
