Choose a character to laugh at:

A Little Blue Blob:

Nuts and Milk




Sylvester Stallone:


A Fearless Competitor:

American Gladiators


The most straight-forward title I've ever seen.

You begin as a pink blob of what seems to be a possible car engine lubricant, when all of a sudden you realize your impending doom as the blue blob closes in.

Little does the blue blob know, but he is about to step on one of the many objects that serve absolutely no purpose in this game.

You desperately try to escape the blue blob, for a milk is at stake. Now is a good time to point out that milk is your life. Seeing as the main goal is to not lose any milk, another sub goal is to gain as many various fruits as possible so your girlfriend opens up the house and invites you in with the word, "HELP!" To me it seems that my character is in more need of help, seeing as she is safe in a house and I am being hunted by a dairy fanatic.

As the blue blob climbs the stick dog, our hero is about to meet the pink blob of the opposite sex that begins and ends each of her words with a capital LetteR.

Note at this point I have all the fruit: Therefore my mission is complete. So now I am free to go visit the damsel in distress inside her safe home.

And on the seventh day, Dan created Danland!

Another great option of this game is the level editor which is by far harder and more exciting than the actual game. As you can see I made my own personal level which crashes upon any attempt to run it. Taking all aspects of the game into consideration, and spending minutes and minutes at a time pondering the overall entertainment value, I've come to the conclusion that the game editors were all drunk when choosing the title, plot, and basically the game itself.

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Note how the title fails to include Godzilla's accomplice, Mothra, who is at least equal if not better than Godzilla.

Apparently Godzilla's bashfulness got the best of him.


You sunk my battleship!

In the midst of intergalactic battle, Godzilla and friends settle down for a nice game of Japanese Monster Chess.

I'm assuming the red splat in the center is the sun.

Intergalactic Nuclear War is the only reason I can think of for the lack of two major planets. Rather than being proved wrong about the exact year of this occasion, they took the risk of naming an indefinite year that sounds like the sequel to an adult movie.


In fierce competition with planets W and Y, Planet X becomes the single alphanumerical planet to wage intergalactic war on Godzilla and company.

What really happened to Skylab.

As the three-headed dragon approaches the giant frisbee, frisbians immediately activate the giant pointy thing.

Luck is on Godzilla's side, when the people of earth realize that these pencils have no erasers.

As Godzilla and Mothra arrive at the battle ground, they realize that they are too late, for the pencil fleet is ready to attack.

Sir, our satellite is picking up some giant cloud of...DEAR GOD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

When Godzilla refuses people's suggestions about breath fresheners, the consequences are deadly.

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Before I read this, I had no idea what an impact poor Japanese translations could have on one's lifestyle. I now work at a home for the mentally unstable.

The title screen alone says all you need to know about this game to make an impartial decision on its entertainment value. I couldn’t have chosen a better quote to describe the game myself. Actually I could, it’s just that I wouldn’t want to offend any women or children coming to this site.

This is the closest the game ever gets to making sense

The game begins with you taking orders from your commander. I have come to the conclusion that you are repeatedly asking him if someone has dumped green ooze on your head, because the only English word he ever says is “yes”.

My inventry is looking sort of emty.

Before any good soldier goes into battle he needs to be properly equipped. Apparently Sylvester Stallone doesn’t qualify as a good soldier (kind of like he doesn’t qualify as a good actor) because his commander sends him into enemy headquarters wielding nothing more than a knife. Also, the fact that the knife looks like a giant door key does not help Rambo’s position one bit.

Mr. Master Lock says he doesn't like you!

Here I am about to stab a nearby flight attendant (don’t ask) with my key of death.

As Rambo realizes that he cannot fit in the tiny helicopter, it dawns on him that this whole rescue mission was a prank set up by the Evil Midget Clan.

As Rambo sees the helicopter approach, he remembers that he has better things to do than impale flight attendants with door keys. He has to work on the sequel.

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Since the programmers ran out of "blonde" colored pixels, several of the gladiators were given a "Dennis Rodman-ish" hairstyle.

The American Gladiators’ title screen false advertises in many ways. First of all, several of the gladiators do not appear to be human at all, never mind American.

Hair-raising two-player action!

Secondly, the title boasts a two-player game. When I tried to play “two” players, the screen froze except the scrolling marquee with the copyright information.

On his travels across the credits, our hero discovers that the programmer actually used the negative of his real life picture when coloring bodily features (this is the only reason I can think of for the blue hair).

I came to the conclusion that despite the “American” part of the title, this game takes place on a distant planet (possibly an inhabited star or asteroid) in another galaxy. When I started playing this game, I, like any other literate person, assumed this game took place on earth. I soon noticed how certain rules and laws that apply on Earth, such as physics, are not anywhere present in this game.

Here is a good example of a lack of gravity.

Another thing that tipped me off about the location of this game is the gladiators themselves. I know they cannot be of the human race, for I know that no human would want to be acknowledged for making quotes like the following: 

If anybody has any idea what she is talking about, please email me at Thank you.

Laser signed a two-year endorsement deal with Campbell's Soup prior to choosing this battle cry.

Don't worry Gemini, no one would stoop low enough to actually play the game competitively.

Enough said.

Q-tip battles at their finest.

My favorite event is probably the joust. In this event you must push your opponent off the edge of the mat using what looks like a giant Q-tip. Although this is challenging, the most difficult part of this event is jumping to the next mat, because if you miss, you automatically plunge to your doom. Five or six times.

Because of the frequency that I played this game, this score went into the hall of fame.

While my character rejoices over a score of nothing, you have to remember: it’s games like American Gladiators that put Samuel Goldwyn Productions on the map.  

Note: I do not end this review because of lack of material, but because of lack of days in a year, and a lack of web space on the internet as we know it.

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