The following is a series of reviews of old NES games. I can't call them classics, because the defenition of a classic does not state: "A horrific waste of brain cells." And I am in no way saying that these games are bad, it is simply implied.

Choose a character to laugh at:

You begin as a pink blob of what seems to be a possible car engine lubricant, when all of a sudden you realize your impending doom as the blue blob closes in.

You desperately try to escape the blue blob, for a milk is at stake. Now is a good time to point out that milk is your life. Seeing as the main goal is to not lose any milk, another sub goal is to gain as many various fruits as possible so your girlfriend opens up the house and invites you in with the word, "HELP!" To me it seems that my character is in more need of help, seeing as she is safe in a house and I am being hunted by a dairy fanatic.

Note at this point I have all the fruit: Therefore my mission is complete. So now I am free to go visit the damsel in distress inside her safe home.

Another great option of this game is the level editor which is by far harder and more exciting than the actual game. As you can see I made my own personal level which crashes upon any attempt to run it. Taking all aspects of the game into consideration, and spending minutes and minutes at a time pondering the overall entertainment value, I've come to the conclusion that the game editors were all drunk when choosing the title, plot, and basically the game itself.

Back to the Menu

Apparently Godzilla's bashfulness got the best of him.

In the midst of intergalactic battle, Godzilla and friends settle down for a nice game of Japanese Monster Chess.

Intergalactic Nuclear War is the only reason I can think of for the lack of two major planets. Rather than being proved wrong about the exact year of this occasion, they took the risk of naming an indefinite year that sounds like the sequel to an adult movie.

In fierce competition with planets W and Y, Planet X becomes the single alphanumerical planet to wage intergalactic war on Godzilla and company.

As the three-headed dragon approaches the giant frisbee, frisbians immediately activate the giant pointy thing.

As Godzilla and Mothra arrive at the battle ground, they realize that they are too late, for the pencil fleet is ready to attack.

When Godzilla refuses people's suggestions about breath fresheners, the consequences are deadly.

Back to the Menu

The title screen alone says all you need to know about this game to make an impartial decision on its entertainment value. I couldn’t have chosen a better quote to describe the game myself. Actually I could, it’s just that I wouldn’t want to offend any women or children coming to this site.

The game begins with you taking orders from your commander. I have come to the conclusion that you are repeatedly asking him if someone has dumped green ooze on your head, because the only English word he ever says is “yes”.

Before any good soldier goes into battle he needs to be properly equipped. Apparently Sylvester Stallone doesn’t qualify as a good soldier (kind of like he doesn’t qualify as a good actor) because his commander sends him into enemy headquarters wielding nothing more than a knife. Also, the fact that the knife looks like a giant door key does not help Rambo’s position one bit.

Here I am about to stab a nearby flight attendant (don’t ask) with my key of death.

As Rambo sees the helicopter approach, he remembers that he has better things to do than impale flight attendants with door keys. He has to work on the sequel.

Back to the Menu

The American Gladiators’ title screen false advertises in many ways. First of all, several of the gladiators do not appear to be human at all, never mind American.

Secondly, the title boasts a two-player game. When I tried to play “two” players, the screen froze except the scrolling marquee with the copyright information.

I came to the conclusion that despite the “American” part of the title, this game takes place on a distant planet (possibly an inhabited star or asteroid) in another galaxy. When I started playing this game, I, like any other literate person, assumed this game took place on earth. I soon noticed how certain rules and laws that apply on Earth, such as physics, are not anywhere present in this game.

Another thing that tipped me off about the location of this game is the gladiators themselves. I know they cannot be of the human race, for I know that no human would want to be acknowledged for making quotes like the following: 

My favorite event is probably the joust. In this event you must push your opponent off the edge of the mat using what looks like a giant Q-tip. Although this is challenging, the most difficult part of this event is jumping to the next mat, because if you miss, you automatically plunge to your doom. Five or six times.

While my character rejoices over a score of nothing, you have to remember: it’s games like American Gladiators that put Samuel Goldwyn Productions on the map.  

Note: I do not end this review because of lack of material, but because of lack of days in a year, and a lack of web space on the internet as we know it.

Back to the Menu