"If your daddy knew exactly how stupid you were, he'd trade you in for a pet monkey."

     Black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, cowboy boots, long hair tied back in a pony tail, and a blank stare: Steven Seagal in all his glory. Steven is undoubtedly the greatest action star of all time, and in the upcoming paragraphs, we will examine why:

Reason #1: Fiery Hatred

     The characters Steven portrays are not even remotely human. When Steven's wife gets murdered, instead of mourning or burying her, he goes on a raw killing spree, shouting clever catch phrases at his enemies before brutally beating them to death. Steven Seagal crushing someone's head is much more entertaining when he follows it up with "Take some Asprin for that headache!" or something equally cool. Instead of portraying a character who feels genuine human emotion, Steven portrays characters who are only truly alive when they're filled with the zeal of merciless killing.

      Not only that, Steven kills them in the most painful way possible.  In Under Siege, Steven plays a military hero turned cook who takes back a gunship overrun by rock star terrorists. In one scene, he's fighting, and actually rips a man's esophagus from his throat. He then tosses it aside like it's no big deal and continues fighting. I didn't even realize he'd done it until I rewound the tape and watched again. You know what's sad? Not only did Seagal have to stoop to fighting rock stars on a stolen naval vessel, but his fighting was apparently based completely off of Mortal Kombat finishing moves. When Sub Zero turns him into a giant ice sculpture of a crappy actor, I'm not going to feel one ounce of surprise. 

Reason #2: The Final Option 

     Countless action stars have had their own video games. But Steven Seagal's The Final Option, for the SNES, tops anything you've ever seen before. 

Steven Seagal: The Final Option

At least they've got their priorities straight. I would have shot myself if the title screen had appeared like this:

Use him as a last ditch effort only, just to lighten up the atmosphere as your covert operation goes down the drain. "Yeah, they'll be launching the nukes any minute now. But check out Seagal on the spy cam. He's funny."

       When I first got this game, it took me two weeks to get past the title screen, because every time I tried to play it, I'd catch myself looking into Seagal's eyes, and his ice-cold stare would scare me into shock. I couldn't bring myself to do anything but change the options repeatedly. I knew the knife in the upper right-hand corner of the title screen was just a ploy - Seagal would much rather tear me limb from limb with his bare hands than anything else.

      I went through 7 pairs of pants over the course of those two weeks. Usually I'd wet a pair real good, but be far too afraid to get up from my chair and go change, so I'd sit in a puddle of my own urine until Seagal's scrutinizing gaze said I was free to go. 

     Those were the worst two weeks of my life. And if a pixelized photo of Seagal could ruin my life, imagine the indescribable destruction he could cause in real life.

     In the immortal words of Stanley Goodspeed, from The Rock, "The second you don't respect this, it kills you." Of course, Stanley Goodspeed's also a fan of saying clever phrases while killing people: "Do you like the Elton John song Rocket Man? Because it's you. You're the rocket man." That's just before Stan hits his enemy with a warhead.

      Seagal wouldn't need a warhead. 

This game embodies what Steven's all about. Killing people, primarily for sport. Steven doesn't care if you're a friendly scientist or a fireball-wielding superbeast from beyond the grave. If you're in his line of sight, you're going to pay in blood.

When Steven is forced to use a gun, he always makes sure to do it at point blank range. It's not because he feels tougher doing it, contrary to popular belief. It's because he'd miss if he were any farther away.

Steven's going to get what he wants from the bad guys, even if it's love. It's as simple as that. Steven will own you.

 Reason #3: Hardcode Scripts

      Seagal is blessed with working with the most talented of Appalachia's writers. He's always given amazing lines, an amazing premise, and best of all, an amazing name. Take, for instance, this helpful chart:


Awesomeness Rating, out of a possible 5 stars
Orin Boyd ****
Jack Taggert ***
Wesley McLean *
Austin Travis *
Casey Ryback **
Forrest Taft ***
Gino Felino *****
John Hatcher **
Mason Storm *****
Nico Toscani ****

     You're hooked, I know it. You want to know which of the wonderful Seagal flicks to own. I'll help you out.

     "I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank!" This action-packed line is said by Mason Storm, Seagal's role in Hard to Kill. In this movie, not only is Seagal put into a coma for 7 years in a painfully cliché plot, but he also throws around verbal barbs like that one. That's how you know Steven's really tough - He crushes their confidence with a verbal brick before beating them to death with a very literal baseball bat.

     Then there's Seagal's worst movie ever, The Patriot. The 1999 flick was so bad and insignificant that not only did Mel Gibson do his infamous movie by the same name less than a year later, but it was never seen by theater audiences. From what I hear, the movie's about Seagal as a former CIA immunologist, who helps fight a plague. Street punks weren't enough; to show his true badness they had to put him up against the most deadly virus known to man. And about halfway through the movie, Steven begins fighting the Nazis, killing the fuehrer with a wine glass in the award-losing climax. 

 Reason #4: Hit Pop Single:

    You haven't enjoyed music until you've heard Steven Seagal sing "Endless Love" with Diana Ross on his pop album.

    Just kidding. Steven wouldn't sing that song. He'd be too busy fighting the sound equipment in the recording room.

    Next time you watch Jacky Chan kick someone ten feet in the air, shake your head in disgust and say, "Steven could have done that better." Spread the news of Seagal's greatness as often as you can. Go to school, and when a kid answers a question in class, kindly say, "Good answer, but Steven would have answered better." Hang out at the hospital. Talk to the doctors. "Good job delivering that infant. You know, Steven could have had it out of there quicker." You won't be lying.

     "I only shot you in one foot. Hobble to the hospital."