(Complete with Shaft music)
A combined Chris/Dan/Todd effort.
(See here for the trick list.)
"Skaters are simply posers of Freestyle Walkers. You wanna pull a good stunt? Who needs a board?"
- Todd Patterson
I might point something out...this is not serious, by any means. Some people seem to think that we here at the Themeless Wonder really do spend our weekends walking around, spinning, jumping, and making general fools of ourselves. This is certainly not true. In fact, we usually spend our weekends in those cramped mental institution cells, hurling ourselves against the walls in an effort to break through the wall and humorously escape the compound by dressing up as janitors and mopping our way out the front entrance.
When you're talking about Freestyle Walking, you're talking about the coolest sport ever created. Well, I guess that's not true in any sense of the word, but it makes good website fodder.
First of all, I might explain one thing. All the pictures on the site were snagged from the sites of other people. Therefore, this could go under at any time if they see this and decide they don't want their pictures used on our site. Of course, I guess they can't legally force us to take them off, but we're nice people.
As you can see, Freestyle Walking takes incredible skill and a sharp mind as well. When you Freestyle walk, you put on your special shoes, and go jump off of walls and stuff. You can do tricks as well, by doing things like grabbing your knees in midair, or kicking with your legs. Because of the high risk maneuvers like these, it is advised that you always wear a helmet when Freestyle walking.
Dan and I, along with our friend Todd, did some research on Freestyle Walking. We saw alot of two things:
1) Really stupid looking people.
2) Soap shoes.
"Soap shoes?" you might ask. Soap is a company that makes Freestyle Walking Gear. Board meetings consist of running backwards through their offices while diving over their desks, and their boss is a sixth grader named "Joey." After rejecting the name "Joey's Business," Joey settled on "Soap Shoes." Nobody knows why he chose this name. Probably because he's in sixth grade.
We went to Soap's website at www.soapshoes.com and checked it out. First of all, if you have RealPlayer or QuickTime, you can watch videos of people pulling "mad stunts." I assume they're pretty funny, but I haven't seen them, because QuickTime was screwed up. Also, you can go to their catalog. One thing we saw there that interested us quite a bit was an item called "The Soap Ducky."
Soap duckies come only in yellow, but soon they want to open a brand new line of green ones, or so I'm told. I almost bought one, but decided not to, since they're so dumb. "Soap Ducky is the official mascot of Freestyle walking," Todd helpfully explained.
"You gotta have some pictures of the shoes with the grinding plates and stuff."
- Todd, again.
Well, we aim to please. We've got some shoes. Remember, if any of you decide you'd like to get into Freestyle walking, you can buy these shoes at Soap's site. Just think, you can own your own rad-to-the-max pair of Soaps, and for only 200 bucks.
These actually don't look too different than normal shoes to me...I'm sure the Soapies'll try and convince you they're made out of a super-elastic polymesh that absorbs impact and allows you to jump 300% higher and will raise your IQ by 250. Personally, I think they'd melt if you ran faster than 5 mile per hour.
Even after all this stuff about Freestyle walking on the site, I wasn't sure that we'd make our mark on the Freestyle Walking world. Therefore, we're making a special set of Themeless Wonder Freestyle Walking tricks. I need some help with these, so contact us and send in some, too.
Themeless Wonder Freestyle Walking Trick List™
The Double Indy Fakeside- This is a trick you do preferably on a crowded city street. You look for a good target person - like an old lady or someone pushing a stroller, then get behind them, and run at them. Then jump on their back and kick off, do some somersaults, throwing your body into a series of seemingly random (though carefully executed) spasmatic contortions, and land on your head. The pain is worth the sound it makes when all the people around you gasp.
The Flattener - Scope out the highway, and find a good, small, mid-life crisis car, like a Miata. (Don't know if I spelled that right.) Anyways, you run as fast as you can straight at it, and at the last second dive through the windshield. Because the car is so small, you can crash through the back windshield as well, roll off the trunk, and land on your feet just in time to:
1) Watch the car swerve and probably run off the road into a light post, exploding in a brilliant ball of cinder.
2) Dodge the car in front of you.
I need some more, so contact us and let us know some.
T.W. Trick Submissions:
Submitted by YOU!
The Reushkan (Pronounced Rye-oosh-ken) - Begin by sprinting straight towards a solid wall of some hard material, like brick. Make sure the wall is at least 5 feet tall. At the last second before impact, jump as high as you can, and rebound off the wall, doing two somersaults and landing on a slide (still standing. The slide must be placed beforehand.) Slide down the slide, and jump onto a moving vehicle after doing 12 more somersaults in the air. Then, remain standing on the roof of the car as it drives down the road, until it goes by a light post/telephone pole and leap off the car, grab the pole, and swing around until you're facing a wall. Then fly off the pole, rebound off of the wall, and do 5 more somersaults before landing flat on your back, preferably smashing some vertebrae.
The Collision - Locate an object such as a telephone pole. Ideally there will be a pillar nearby. Sprint straight at the object, push your chest out, and at the last second jump, slamming into the object, knocking the breath out of yourself, and breaking your nose. Then land on your feet and stumble around till you go unconscious (this should take only a matter of seconds.)
The "Lord of the Flies" - This requires a considerable blood alcohol level, preferably, above 90% or so. I realize this means you would roughly have the coordination of a slug who has just consumed four squirrels, but hey- if you're a serious Freestyle Walker, you'll do anything to get the adrenaline you desire. Sharpen a stick at both ends. Remember to have your blood-alcohol level high. Place the stick in a strategic position, such as 5 cm in front of you. Walk a few steps backwards. Scream some inane phrase (ensure blood-alcohol) and imagine that in front of you is a large animal. I forgot to mention that starvation would be a good idea too. Maybe a fire or two would help. The large animal should be smiling at you. Charge at it (ensure that you are maintaining WALKING posture), preferably swinging plastic utensils in a bloodthirsty frenzy. When the stick impales you, you should shout some encouraging phrase such as "Right up my ass"! Hope you enjoy this trick.
The Ichabod Crane....get on a horse, ride it for a while, then when you see a low bridge in front of you, stand up on the horse (while still riding it at a fast pace)...get your head lopped off by the bridge, jump off the horse spurting blood from your neck where your head used to be...do 25 flips in the air, land on a springy board that just happened to be there, fly back up in the air, do a buncha nosegrabs, then go into a tuck position and slam your neck straight down into the ground (or if your head hasn't come all the way off, as in the case of short people, then land on the rest of your head.)
Geez, these are all quite violent. But then again, mine are most likely fatal as well. I guess you have to be a real crazy man to Freestyle Walk. Here's more:
Insanus Romanus (Insane Roman) - While in a city roughly the size of 1st century Rome, start a fire using liberal amounts of gasoline. Start in an alley with fire escapes on both sides. Walk right into the flames, then flip out, and grab on to a fire escape until it melts and you crash to the ground. Before you hit the ground, jump onto the fire escape on the other side of the alley, and do flips all the way to the top of the building. Powerwalk to the other side of the building, and walk off. On your way down, turn over so as to land on your hands. When you hit the ground, do a handspring back onto your feet, and walk in front of a moving fire engine, which should have been dispatched by now. Before it hits you, jump on top, while screaming, "multus flammae est in via! ego sum insanus Romanus! (A bunch of flames are in the street! I am an insane Roman!)" When the truck stops, jump back into the flames and shout, "ego sum mortuus! (I am dead!)" until you really are. If you don't know Latin, any foreign language will do. Example: If you know Spanish, burn a city roughly the size of Madrid and talk in Spanish, if you know French, use Paris, and if you know Japanese, use Tokyo.
BS Suicide - Short and simple. Walk around a city singing a Brittany Spears (BS) song until you get beaten senseless by normal people.