Germans Attempt to Act Intelligently, Fail

   A new trend among German households is alarming The German Nutrition Society - baby food eating. Households without children account for approximately 10 percent of German's baby food purchases, due to the fact that, as one sharp reporter put it, "People of all ages and from all walks of life love milk pudding and stewed fruit prepared for babies."

      I hope, for the love of god, that's he's lying through his teeth.


    The trend has angry and baby-foodless toddlers ready to snap the bars of their playpens and unleash their fury in a nation-wide reign of diaper-hurling terror, but most of these toddlers are unable to walk, or for that matter produce any logical thought relative to starting an armed rebel uprising.

     But then again, some of these are German super-babies. Uberkids, if you will. The kind that can cause entire human bodies to explode through sheer force of will. Strangely, before they became a reality, they actually graced the front page of Weekly World News, along with the infamous "Bat Boy," and a guy who was bitten in half by a shark and mysteriously survived.

    The problem here isn't really that people are eating baby food. And the problem isn't really that German super-children are going to kill us all, either. The problem is the reasoning behind the German Nutrition Society's objection to eating baby food: "That's what your teeth are for." My news source is about as reliable as Florida's voting population, so I may be completely misconstruing the truth here, but if I've got my story straight, what's going on in Germany? Couldn't the German Nutrition Society come up with a little more profound (or for that matter legitimate) reason for speaking out against people who eat baby food?

   Why have I lost respect for Germans? Take this little anecdote: I heard, just recently, about this guy in Germany who had an ant problem in his house. Rather than use Raid, Black Flag, or Maxim Guns like the rest of Germany, he decided to jury-rig himself a homemade blowtorch. He went the hairspray/lighter route that we all know and love so well from boyhood camping trips, in which you simply blow hairspray on a flame and watch in glee as everything in front of your hand ignites into flames. So this guy walked around his house, incinerating ants wherever he saw them. And for the most part, he did alright. He followed the main trail of ants as it meandered throughout his house, spraying it with flame occasionally, and feeling pretty happy with himself. The path lead him to his front yard, and eventually to the ant hill itself, nestled under a Cyprus tree.

     The Cyprus tree is covered in a natural oil similar to gasoline. When the guy torched the ant hill, the tree exploded into a 9 foot ball of flame, engulfing the better part of his body.

     Where's the Germany of the Dual European Industrial Revolutions? Give us some more rocket science, or at least a decent invasion attempt in Poland. You're shooting low these days...