When The Man isn't working on his latest upgrade to the machine's central data processing system, do you know what he's doing? Working to make your life worse. Stop attributing your bitterness and angst to the stress filled nature of our world. The weight of the world isn't holding you down. The Man is.

   We've considered ourselves to be freedom fighters since the first time we played Contra, and in accordance with our longstanding tradition of fighting for the forces of justice, we're prepared to inform you (the ignorant masses) of conspiracies and scandals that The Man has unflinchingly withheld from the public eye.

Turtle Poaching - The Shocking Truth - A startling development in wildlife welfare has come to my attention. It began small, then snowballed into a danger of massive proportions. Now, it's as if that problematic snowball has crashed into a city full of people, burying them under a winter wonderland of terror. - Chris

The Allagash Abductions - Are the Aliens Coming?  -  I realize I’m taunting death. If aliens return to earth and rain down fiery wrath upon us, I’m sure they’ll target me first. And when they’re building an alien city upon the charred remains of Washington D.C., they’ll probably lay their eggs inside of my larynx. But honestly, I’m willing to risk it all for a chance to expose the truth. - Chris