Last Updated: Thursday, July 19, 2001
Sorry for the long wait in between updates. I've been out of town, and Dan's just out of things completely this summer. He's a busy man. However, we're looking to pick up one or two new guys to help.
Anyhow, onto the updates. I added a new Story of Everyday Life, and created our own Steven Seagal Tribute page. If you like watching topless strippers jump out of cakes, the tribute is for you.
Don't know what's on the site? Below are some descriptions:
When you were young, it was alright to rely on a plumber in red overalls for life lessons. You were encouraged to fight crime in the same way the Bad Dudes did. Nintendo, in essence, is a chronicle of every child's journey through life. We salute those kinds of games that live on in our hearts, even as we abuse their creators, animators, and writers, who are most certainly either very, very drunk, or have serious brain damage, brought on from being very, very drunk.
Turtle Poaching Awareness:
Unbeknownst to the masses, the turtle population is steadily decreasing as turtle are slaughtered by the hundreds. Help us in our fight against the terror that is turtle poaching by giving us money, which we say we spend on mercenaries, but in fact we spend on gummy peaches and Hawaiian Punch.
It has been said that "Skaters are simply posers of freestyle walkers. You wanna pull a good stunt? Who needs a board?!" Indeed, FSW is not only a "sport," but it also works nicely as a "complete joke." The sad thing is, people actually FSW seriously. In fact, when some angry 11 year olds saw what we wrote specifically about their website which contained several pictures of them jumping on their beds as their mothers told them to do their homework and sleep, because they had school in the morning and it was almost 9:30, they got extremely angry and tried to hack the site. Unfortunately for them, they didn't know which part of the computer to type on, so they didn't get very far - they did, however, mistakenly open the CD tray about 214 times.
Exit Wounds: The Seagal Tribute:
Never in the history of the world has there been an actor like Steven Seagal. Live the legend. Feel the pain.
Stories of Everyday Life:
Ever thought about what interest the everyday occurrences of life hold? We probed into our very souls as we have begun chronicling our experiences. Pore over such inspirational quotes such as this one, from Dan, about his discoveries in Chuck E. Cheese: "If Bill Gates converted his worth in Microsoft stock to Chuck E. Cheese tickets, he could buy 2 spider rings, and a pony tattoo." It's true. Do the math yourself.
Sea Monkeys: The Miracle of Life:
Sea Monkeys are truly among the most dynamic and exciting living organisms. We did our own study on Sea Monkeys, and the results were startling. In fact, we raised an army of ninja death sea monkeys, and were going to take over the world, but then the cat knocked over their tank and they all got dehydrated on the floor. We pummeled that cat real good though.
Teachers, parents, and cuddly guidance counselors will spend years trying to instill a sense of self-worth and ambition in you. Fight it by learning the best way -- Not learning at all.
TW Battle Arena: Pleasure through Pain
Violence is the answer. We learned that much from TV. So whenever anyone has personal conflicts, they bring it to the arena, where they splatter gore everywhere and somehow, someway, we all end up happier for it.
Sometimes, messing with things is fun. Especially people, and especially if they're in a chatroom, talking about something really dumb like, for instance, why Ricky Martin's music is totally superior to that of Issac Hayes, when we all know that really it's not. That's when you attack.