When their first song, "Waffles," was written, no one knew they were destined for stardom...


Chris "Leatha Pants" Slaten is the electric man. However, before his days as a member of the band, he was known as "Razor," the squad leader in an elite international anti-terrorism unit. However, after a freak accident, he was dishonorably discharged. He had this to say on the subject: "M79 Grenade Launchers are really tricky to handle. Sometimes, if the trigger guard gets worn down, the gun can discharge by itself. If this happens when you're not in combat, and are, say, cleaning your weapon back in the barracks, it can make you very unpopular with what's left of your platoon."

Greg "Tight Pants" Wood is the band's bass player. Keanu Reeves plays the bass in his band, you know. He doesn't play it as well as Greg, and that's because Keanu Reeves really doesn't have any musical talent. Granted, Keanu is playing much better than when he played Air Guitar for "Wild Stallions" back in his Bill and Ted days, but at least then he didn't have to try and sell off his music as good by saying "I was in the Matrix. Buy it, or I'll re-enact the basement scene at your house."

Joel "Small Pants" White is the drummer as well as the band's official "Love Doctor." We have no idea what that title means at this time, but we did notice that women only come to the concerts when Joel is going to be around, and they sit around and give each other facials and talk about Bath and Body Works until one of his drum solos interrupts their Abercrombie and Fitch stupor, at which point they scream and pass out randomly. One time Joel let me borrow some of his women, and it was awesome. You remember that time when you went on that school field trip in 3rd grade to the museum, and that girl wet her pants in the middle of the hallway and everyone laughed at her? You said it was the best moment of your life. Well, hanging out with Joel's females was even better than that.