In the book, it has a section about "Fighting Sea Monkeys." Immediately I knew it would be wonderful. Apparently, sometimes, sea monkeys will fight over their mates, or as the book puts it, "make fools of themselves." The book says: "It's easy to laugh at the fight, but the battle is very serious to them, and can even rarely end in the death of one of the tiny combatants." Later on it says, "You may be tempted to "break up" the fight, but DO NOT INTERFERE! You will probably do more damage to them than they can do to themselves. Be a good referee, not a sparring partner." Personally, I'd like to see one get killed. A sea monkey battle to the death sounds like just about the entertaining thing in the word. After reading this, Todd and I brainstormed an idea for a gigantic sea monkey battle. We'd raise sea monkey armies, or SMarmies, as they'd be called, and connect their tanks with straws. They could assault each other and have epic battles. Even better, we realized, is that we could make a super-race of sea monkeys by using one of the expansion packs known as the "Plasma Pack," which can make them stronger and larger - up to one and a half inches long. I'd also like to point out that although every picture of a sea monkey you've seen thus far has been a cartoon-type conception, they don't look anything like that. They have terribly strong graspers and gigantic fangs. The only good picture of a sea monkey in real life I've ever found was this one from a logo:

     It was later that our plans for the SMarmies took on new proportions. Water covers 75% of the earth. You do the math. If the sea monkeys could be trained to do our bidding, under the direct command of Banjo, King of the Sea Monkeys, no one could ever sail the oceans without our consent. 

     The question remained, however, how the SMarmies could take over the oceans. They could live in the ocean water, once we purified it with several trillion "Water Purifier" packets, dropped into the ocean via a fleet of C1-30 (to be stolen beforehand from Air Force bases in Florida), but traditionally sea monkeys have been the food of fish. Then, we realized the answer: We could train them to play baseball, so why couldn't we train them to fight? Ninja sea monkeys. So simple. Sea monkeys have several appendages with which to attack, which makes them extremely deadly in close-range combat. We taught them to swim about, flailing their arms lightning-fast, which strikes dead anything that comes near it. This technique we named "The Sea Monkey Death Whirl." We first tried the Sea Monkey Death Whirl out on a nuclear-class submarine that was stationed in Chinese waters. We weren't supposed to know it was there, and neither were the Chinese. After the sub exploded, the government couldn't do anything but disavow knowledge that the sub ever existed, because the Chinese have nukes too. Serves those bureaucrats right.

    Fortunately, our SMarmies were also immortal, because you can resurrect sea monkeys from the dead. Really. Let the water evaporate out of their tanks, which can take several months, then refill it with water. The book says that within 24 hours you'll see "Sea monkeys swimming happily, as if nothing ever happened!!" Of course, if we released the sea monkeys into the ocean and they died, we'd have to let the ocean evaporate to revive them, but the political leaders of the world don't know that. We could demonstrate the sea monkey resurrection with a normal tank, and then say something like "If you defeat our SMarmies, we can bring them right back to life just like that. Not even H-bombs can harm them. Surrender now, foolish mortals." As soon as the political leaders surrender, they'll feel the wrath of the Sea Monkey Death Whirl. Mercy is for the weak.


On to The Insubstantial Sea Monkey FAQ