Super Robot Spaceship Hardcore Wrestling Federation Presents:

 vs.  

The current International Lightweight Champion, Little Beaver, will go head to head with nature’s fury, the majestic and terrible Tyrannosaurus Rex.

    The S.P.S.H.W.F. suffered a terrible public relations blow when neither Little Beaver nor a live T-rex were able to make it to the match. After scouring much of Asia with an elite team of paleontology experts, we gave up on locating any dinosaurs, and the competitors for the S.P.S.H.W.F.’s first match were changed to a Wolverine action figure and A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell. 

    That first night, attendance dwindled to an unprecedented 2 people. Apparently, my federation was missing part of the equation. That was when I remembered the second thing needed to create an awesome federation:

    If you can’t see the picture above clearly, a kid’s being thrown off of a deck, and a wooden door awaits him at the bottom of his parabolic fall, along with extreme pain that will likely develop into some sort of joint irritation that bothers him whenever it’s cold. The fact of the matter is that anyone can wrestle around on a wooden platform; nobody’s going to want to watch that unless the wrestling results in a long vertical drop and things makes sickening cracking sounds.

    My problem is that I had no human wrestlers other than myself, and I’m far too afraid of pain to ever take any good falls. And even if I were tough enough to take someone breaking a chair over my head, I certainly couldn’t count on my Wolverine action figure to swing it accurately. So I retreated into the medium I always seem to, the wonderful world of Nintendo, in the form of a bad Japanese game called War, Wrestle, and Romance: 

    Now, we had the opportunity for real action. My first taste of the action went something like this: 

    That’s me in the upper left corner. In the lower right is one of the hardcore DICW guys. At this point, I’ve got both the weight advantage and the slightly Ving Rhames look going on, so I assume I’ve got the upper hand in the fight from the get-go. How wrong I was. 

    These images poorly depict the quality of the beating my new wrestling persona received. The DICW made it painfully clear that I was not welcome in the world of backyard wrestling, and I walked away with my head down in shame. 

Never before has one picture summed it all up so well.