Robot Spaceship Hardcore Wrestling Federation Presents:
The current International Lightweight Champion, Little Beaver, will go head to head with natureís fury, the majestic and terrible Tyrannosaurus Rex.
The S.P.S.H.W.F. suffered a terrible public relations blow when neither
Little Beaver nor a live T-rex were able to make it to the match. After
scouring much of Asia with an elite team of paleontology experts, we
gave up on locating any dinosaurs, and the competitors for the S.P.S.H.W.F.ís
first match were changed to a Wolverine action figure and A.C. Slater
from Saved by the Bell.
That first night, attendance dwindled to an unprecedented 2 people.
Apparently, my federation was missing part of the equation. That was
when I remembered the second thing needed to create an awesome
If you canít see the
picture above clearly, a kidís being thrown off of a deck, and a
wooden door awaits him at the bottom of his parabolic fall, along with
extreme pain that will likely develop into some sort of joint irritation
that bothers him whenever itís cold. The fact of the matter is that
anyone can wrestle around on a wooden platform; nobodyís going to want
to watch that unless the wrestling results in a long vertical drop and
things makes sickening cracking sounds.
My problem is that I had no
human wrestlers other than myself, and Iím far too afraid of pain to
ever take any good falls. And even if I were tough enough to take
someone breaking a chair over my head, I certainly couldnít count on
my Wolverine action figure to swing it accurately. So I retreated into
the medium I always seem to, the wonderful world of Nintendo, in the
form of a bad Japanese game called War, Wrestle, and Romance:
Now, we had the opportunity
for real action. My first taste of the action went something like this:
Thatís me in the upper left
corner. In the lower right is one of the hardcore DICW guys. At this
point, Iíve got both the weight advantage and the slightly Ving Rhames
look going on, so I assume Iíve got the upper hand in the fight from
the get-go. How wrong I was.
These images poorly depict
the quality of the beating my new wrestling persona received. The DICW
made it painfully clear that I was not welcome in the world of backyard
wrestling, and I walked away with my head down in shame.
Never before has one picture summed it all up so well.