LAst event will be BLOODY. It shall be our last event. FREE food and
DRink. FREE admission. If u live near Waterloo and want to come e-mail
me. It will be crazy. Every wrestler shall go all out. Tables, Chairs,
FIRE, STAPLE, WOOD, COOLERS, BATS, ROOFS, GLASS, BOXES IT ALL AND
MORE!!!!!!!!!!! It is so extreme we should make you be 18 to watch but
we just don't care <expletives deleted.>”
above quote is taken from the website of Crazy Basement Wrestling,
a loosely-organized mob of face-smashing, hardcore wrestlers (all aged
13 at the time of their website’s creation) that host awe-inspiring
death matches out of their respective basements.
I found out kids in my neighborhood were fighting with baseballs
bats, glass, and as the websites says, “fire,” you better
believe I’d be attending the CBW’s matches. Every day.
That is, after I locked my dog in the house and put away my golf
clubs. The more I read about the exploits of these wrestlers, the more I
wanted to be a wrestler just like them. Forget The Rock, my new favorite
is the Crazy Basement superstar known as “Creed,” whose
online tips are what have helped me get my start in the world of
If you are breaking through a table, BECAREFUL. It will hurt. When you
are in the air you must keep your legs up and keep a tight neck. Watch
out, you might bite your tongue or scratch your tooth. Please don't use
a Stone Cold Stunner as a move. I have been on many sites where it has
warning not to do this move. You could get seriously injuried by this
I read this just before executing the Stunner on a friend of mine. The
results could have been devastating, had Creed’s warning not been
clearly placed in the lower section of his site, just below the part
where he points out that the CBW wrestler “Extreme Hardcore Machine”
has currently won zero international titles. Loser.
Here is a message you should read: We are trained to wrestle in our basements/backyard. We have been wrestling for a long time. The first time you wrestle you should train how to fall, how to make the move look real and be SAFE! I still get Hurt and I have been doing this for many years.
the left, we’re privileged to see a brilliant and highly technical
maneuver performed as one wrestler savagely slams the other onto the
hood of his car. The awe-inspired onlooker to the left had this to say
that was insane. He just totally suplexed that guy into that car.
The other guy’s head looks pretty out of shape, so I started to
call the hospital, but the other wrestlers called me a wuss and
challenged me to a steel cage match…I think we’re going to the
batting cages after school.
several grueling seconds of scouring the net, I had found nothing
worthwhile. And can a school really teach you to take pain the way I’d
need to? J. Prince, of the DHW (Die Hard Wrestling) boasts that he
“powerbombed Violent C many times onto a board full of thumbtacks and
light bulbs.” Besides the
time I beat up my next door neighbor for spoiling the most important
scene in the Transformers Movie (Optimus Prime dies) I’ve never
done anything like that.
don’t want to be accused of misrepresenting backyard wrestling as
something only kids do. Take for instance Doggz Incognito Clan
Wrestling, a group of men all ages 20 to 30. These guys, infamous
for their high skill level and excessive blood loss, accept no juniors
in their homemade barnyard ring. And nobody wrestles without a medical
DICW’s infamous “Dozer,” performing his signature move. Catch
phrase: “Pure Diesel, I’ll run you over PUNK!”
It became increasingly clear that no truly hardcore federation was going to let me in, so I carried out the only remedy I could think of: I started my own federation. But even before this, I had to derive what exactly made a federation hardcore. Thus, my research began.
Firstly, you need cool characters and entangling alliances. Plot is central to any wrestling federation, and ones of the backyard nature are certainly no exception. My genius mind, as always, pulled through, and soon I had the plans for my first event: