“CBW'S LAst event will be BLOODY. It shall be our last event. FREE food and DRink. FREE admission. If u live near Waterloo and want to come e-mail me. It will be crazy. Every wrestler shall go all out. Tables, Chairs, FIRE, STAPLE, WOOD, COOLERS, BATS, ROOFS, GLASS, BOXES IT ALL AND MORE!!!!!!!!!!! It is so extreme we should make you be 18 to watch but we just don't care <expletives deleted.>” 

    The above quote is taken from the website of Crazy Basement Wrestling, a loosely-organized mob of face-smashing, hardcore wrestlers (all aged 13 at the time of their website’s creation) that host awe-inspiring death matches out of their respective basements.  

    If I found out kids in my neighborhood were fighting with baseballs bats, glass, and as the websites says, “fire,” you better believe I’d be attending the CBW’s matches. Every day.  That is, after I locked my dog in the house and put away my golf clubs. The more I read about the exploits of these wrestlers, the more I wanted to be a wrestler just like them. Forget The Rock, my new favorite is the Crazy Basement superstar known as “Creed,” whose online tips are what have helped me get my start in the world of underground wrestling:   

TIP: If you are breaking through a table, BECAREFUL. It will hurt. When you are in the air you must keep your legs up and keep a tight neck. Watch out, you might bite your tongue or scratch your tooth. Please don't use a Stone Cold Stunner as a move. I have been on many sites where it has warning not to do this move. You could get seriously injuried by this move.  

    Luckily, I read this just before executing the Stunner on a friend of mine. The results could have been devastating, had Creed’s warning not been clearly placed in the lower section of his site, just below the part where he points out that the CBW wrestler “Extreme Hardcore Machine” has currently won zero international titles. Loser.

Here is a message you should read: We are trained to wrestle in our basements/backyard. We have been wrestling for a long time. The first time you wrestle you should train how to fall, how to make the move look real and be SAFE! I still get Hurt and I have been doing this for many years.

To the left, we’re privileged to see a brilliant and highly technical maneuver performed as one wrestler savagely slams the other onto the hood of his car. The awe-inspired onlooker to the left had this to say about it:

Dude, that was insane. He just totally suplexed that guy into that car.  The other guy’s head looks pretty out of shape, so I started to call the hospital, but the other wrestlers called me a wuss and challenged me to a steel cage match…I think we’re going to the batting cages after school.

     As you can see through the excessive use of the word “hardcore” that floats around the underground wrestling circuit, you’ve got to be tough to wrestle. And unfortunately, I’m not. However, I had one hope – Creed said they’d been trained in basement wrestling. If I could find this fabled Backyard Wrestling training center, then perhaps I too could learn to become hardcore. 

    After several grueling seconds of scouring the net, I had found nothing worthwhile. And can a school really teach you to take pain the way I’d need to? J. Prince, of the DHW (Die Hard Wrestling) boasts that he “powerbombed Violent C many times onto a board full of thumbtacks and light bulbs.”  Besides the time I beat up my next door neighbor for spoiling the most important scene in the Transformers Movie (Optimus Prime dies) I’ve never done anything like that.  

    I don’t want to be accused of misrepresenting backyard wrestling as something only kids do. Take for instance Doggz Incognito Clan Wrestling, a group of men all ages 20 to 30. These guys, infamous for their high skill level and excessive blood loss, accept no juniors in their homemade barnyard ring. And nobody wrestles without a medical release form.  

The DICW’s infamous “Dozer,” performing his signature move. Catch phrase: “Pure Diesel, I’ll run you over PUNK!” 

    It became increasingly clear that no truly hardcore federation was going to let me in, so I carried out the only remedy I could think of: I started my own federation. But even before this, I had to derive what exactly made a federation hardcore. Thus, my research began. 

    Firstly, you need cool characters and entangling alliances. Plot is central to any wrestling federation, and ones of the backyard nature are certainly no exception. My genius mind, as always, pulled through, and soon I had the plans for my first event:

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